What madness was this!?
PLUS: Rating the ratings and a microscopic and frantically rushed Week That Was and The Weekend That Will Be
This was a Bledisloe Cup test that defied explanation. Beyond the first frantic minutes, it had little shape and form. It was a random collection of rugby protons and electrons buzzing brilliantly, hopelessly but mostly haphazardly around Marvel Stadium.
And yet it was the neutron - Mathieu Raynal - that ultimately had the biggest say, dispensing what my almost certainly inebriated English neighbour described as Napoleonic justice at the end to hand the All Blacks back the ball in prime attacking position for this drama’s final act.
Yes, those two paragraphs are all over the place. No, you’re none the wiser to what actually happened after reading. Good, the match deserves no less.
It started so crisply and coherently. The All Blacks pulled some training-ground moves, quickly earning set-piece supremacy. They turned it into points. It was too early for ostentatious displays of coaching-box back-patting, but Ian Foster could have been forgiven for channelling John ‘Hannibal’ Smith.
Everything was so orderly and wonderfully structured, but it was such a beautiful lie - akin to the trailer for Braveheart consisting solely of the love scene between William Wallace and Murron MacClannough.
In the end we were just left with a whole bunch of questions, some that might resolve themselves, some that will remain unanswered when our own collections of atoms shuffle off this mortal coil.
Was this a step forwards or backwards for the All Blacks?
I can’t raise a prima facie case for either proposition. They did some world-class stuff as both a team and as individuals but it only served to magnify the terrible errors that inevitably followed. On balance, it’s a win against Tier One opposition away from home, so take it.
Was Raynal justified in turning over possession to the All Blacks at the death?
Justin Marshall made the salient point in the wrap-up that we would not be taking it very well if it happened to us. He’s right of course. In the New Zealand version of the urban dictionary “Waynebarnes” has only recently been downgraded from a swear word and there are still parts of South Dunedin where Colin Hawke requires an armed escort.
And yet, with all jingoism aside, I absolutely love that he did it. There’s a level of cynicism creeping into rugby that needs to be nipped in the bud - faking injuries, celebrating tries that aren’t, trying to get refs to watch replays, time wasting.
Yeah, of course it’s a nonsense to pull that particular law out of his pocket at that stage in the game but he could have done it many times previously and my enduring memory of that incident will forever be Bernard Foley’s teammates in the background screaming at him to kick it out.
Did the referee have too big a say in the match?
Probably didn’t have a big enough say. Yes, there were a bunch of cards, but also some acts that went unseen and unpunished. Does Marika Koroibete have special dispensation that allows him to tackle without arms? How did Tyrel Lomax not see yellow for his tip-tackle cleanout? Why did he not review Foley’s forward pass to Andrew Kellaway when he’d already disallowed a try to the same player when the ball was half a centimetre off the turf?
You know what’s coming now…
How did Darcy Swain only see yellow for THAT?!
That’s a grub act. One of the worst. It’s very hard to prove intent but that is not a spur-of-the-moment action. Surely Swain is not trying to injure a fellow rugby professional, Quinn Tupaea, whose key work tools are his legs? Surely!?
Revolting.
The yellow was ridiculous. As a friend immediately texted, that’s the same punishment given for failing to rein in a genuine intercept attempt.
How did the All Blacks lose a 31-13 lead?
Perhaps that should be “How did Australia come storming back?” That would be the more generous framing and yet it’s not the way I’ll remember it. Despite a couple of heroic goal-line stands, the All Blacks defensive structure was feeble throughout.
Richie Mo’unga has taken a firm grip on the No10 jersey with his electrifying running and distribution, but you can’t help but worry when he and the explosive Caleb Clarke are aligned on the same side of the defence.
Was it a good game?
Using the Socratic method, let’s answer the question with a question: Does it matter?
No, not really. It was wonderfully entertaining, utterly baffling chaos.
Rugby needs more of it. Bring on Bledisloe II.
RATING THE RATINGS
A beneficent edition because, frankly, I would not know where to start with rating individuals out of that mess.
Christopher Reive is back for the Herald after his winning performance against the Pumas. So impressed was his coach, he handed him the task of rating both teams. Ask anyone who’s tried this before - it can’t be done properly, so these rankings are automatically docked a point for credibility issues. Scanning down to see two Wallabies get 9s, one whose performance was mercurial, confirmed for me the danger in this outlandish assignment. But it’s only the ABs’ ratings we’re judging here and the marks are fairly bland, though the comments are mostly on point. I feel comments should also accompany reserves who saw significant game time, but hell, he was made to rank close to 50 players, so fair play. Love that absence of .5s, but there has to be a different way of marking (or not marking) those who leave the game early for injury.
Ratings rating: 7
At Stuff, Paul Cully’s descent into a one-man .5 machine continues. Of the 20 players ranked, nine simply couldn’t be awarded an integer but on this occasion only, I won’t apply a penalty because it’s indicative of the general chaos. Samisoni Taukei’aho wins an eight, the only one, and that feels right. Hoskins Sotutu was the only starter who played significant minutes to go as low as 5 - harsh? Can’t quibble with the comments though Mo'unga’s role in the defensive issues has escaped attention, but Cully is far from alone here.
Ratings rating: 7
Tom Vinicombe is a bit all over the shop at Rugby Pass, but I like the n/r’s given to Cane and David Havili, rather than perfunctory 5s. A significant improvement on the .5 front. Very harsh on the All Black props, who both scored 4s. Ethan de Groot was battling hard through an injury, but Tyrel Lomax seemed quite effective, though he should probably have seen yellow and perhaps this coloured the assessment. Taukei’aho and Brodie Retallick got 8s. I agree with one of them. Thorough comments to back up his marks, which give an insight into his thinking even if you don’t necessarily agree with it.
Ratings rating: 7
Hey, where the hell has Reece Labuschagne gone, Newshub? Veteran baller Grant Chapman subs in and immediately shows his predecessor the value of a whole number. Like most, he was smitten by Taukei’aho (8), but really could have leaned on a few n/r’s, particularly Quinn Tupaea, who low scores with a 4 through no fault of his own. Couple of small errors, the sort The Bounce specialises in, but an otherwise coherent attempt to sum up the incoherence in Melbourne.
Ratings rating: 7
THE WEEK THAT WAS
Roger Federer’s gone and done a Serena. Fair play to him. He might not have matched Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal for grand slam titles, but he’ll always be the greatest of that trio for me. Box office without any baggage.
A huge moment in the history of broadcasting today, with the first NFL game, a blockbuster between the Los Angeles Chargers and Kansas City Chiefs, to be shown exclusively in the US via a streaming service, Amazon Prime.
Blair Tickner and Finn Allen were awarded central contracts by NZC, respectively replacing Trent Boult and Colin de Grandhomme. James Neesham was offered one, but declined to pursue T20 franchise opportunities.
THE WEEKEND THAT WILL BE
No sport on TV for me this weekend. Stuff to do, places to be, so it’s a mercifully thin weekend of fun and games anyway.
If I could I’d probably watch week two of the NRL playoffs between the Eels and Raiders tonight, and Sharks and Rabbitohs tomorrow (both Sky), or maybe I’d watch the AFL preliminary finals between Geelong and Brisbane tonight, or the Sydney Swans and a team I refuse to name tomorrow (also Sky).
There’s also the Silver Ferns v Jamaica on Sunday, which bizarrely was meant to be Saturday.
Apologies for any mistakes. Through necessity, this newsletter was compiled very quickly and perhaps even a little carelessly!
I really love your point re 'nipping in the bud'. I've taken to watching a bit of EPL this season. Not really my bag but I have a bunch of football lads in one of my classes so they asked me a bunch of personal questions and assigned me a team to support (West Ham- clearly they don't like me...). Something that has struck me is the complete disrespect for officials- screaming in their faces, touching them etc. This sort of thing is the fat end of the wedge when you start getting players faking injuries, slowing things, begging referees to watch replays etc. I'd hate to see rugby go further down this route.