ASHES ONLY: The four types of English batsmen

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All I wanted for Christmas was a decent test to watch the next day. Instead I got a nice set of whisky tumblers, a fetching shirt and shorts combo -  and complete dross from the MCG.

It’s not even the sheer one-sidedness of it all, it’s the complete ineptitude¹ served up by this England batting unit.

Australia is a difficult place to bat, just ask New Zealand circa 2019-20. It doesn’t matter how well prepped you think you are, it’s never quite enough. The crowds are at you, the pitches are quick and bouncy, the Australians play an aggressive style of cricket and all the umpire’s call decisions seem to go against you (even with neutral adjudicators). It’s what makes last summer’s series win by an understrength Indian side the best bilateral test-series performance by any side in recent history. 

Having said that, this was the series England has earmarked to succeed in for the past year or so. Remember when New Zealand and India toured last northern summer? England coach Chris Silverwood made a point of labelling the tests as good preparation for the Ashes. They lost to the Black Caps and were trailing India when that series was Covid-poned.

England’s batting as a collective is wretched no matter what the combination, but as individuals they can be clumsily lumped into four categories: eye-test failures; on-their-day thumpers; pleasantly hopeless; and Joe Root.